I Thought About Death

Gentlemen,

I thought about death.

Not because I was depressed or in an existential crisis, but because it’s on my grandfather’s doorstep. I’ve seen it in his eyes and heard it in his voice.

He knows it, my family knows it, and I know it. In the impending finality of his well-lived life, profound and thought provoking questions have presented themselves to me.

Here are a couple questions I’ve asked myself:

1. How do I not want to die?

Seeing my grandfather approaching the inevitable has cued me in on some details of how I definitely don’t want to leave this life.

I want to die late. What I mean by this is not necessarily in old age(which would be great), but that I want my life to be an exponential decline curve: Life, Life, Life, Life, Life, Life, Life, death. Not a linear decline: Life, Life, less life, less life, even less life, closer to death, death.

No matter the timeline, I’d rather live a higher quality, vital, and shorter life, than a listless, apathetic, and longer life.

I expect to be active until the day I take my last breath. I expect to be surfing, snowboarding, biking, working out, doing jiu jitsu, playing with my grandkids, hunting, having sex with my wife, and whatever else I want to do until my last day. If you think this is out of the question… firstly, you’re wrong. Secondly, look up Donahue Wildman and Laird Hamilton.

If I desire to fulfill these expectations, it is incumbent on me to ask “How can I achieve such things?”

The answer is found in how I live my life now. If I want to be highly active in old age, I must be even more active now. If I want to train hard then, I must train harder now. If I want to be healthy and free of disease then, I must prioritize my health now.

Ask yourself, “how do I want to die?” “What do I want my last 2 weeks on this earth to be like?”

2. What will my grandsons say about me when I’m gone?

Pondering what my grandfather means to me and how his life has impacted mine has led me to ask the question about my own life.

Having a love so deep and a respect so sturdy for my grandfather is a north star for me in this respect. I know he has failed and come up short many times in his life; after all he is just a man. But, one thing he has always been, is there for me and my siblings. He has been the patriarchal figure we needed. He was not to be disrespected and stern when he needed to be, but he would make you laugh harder than anyone you ever met. He was hard working and dutiful to his family and employees. He built a solid financial footing for my family after being born in a barn with damn near no money in his family. He travelled the world and hunted and fished across the western hemisphere. He expressed that immense grandfatherly pride and belief in me that only a grandfather can.

I hope my grandsons have similar things to say about me.

Yet again, this is relevant to how you and I are living our lives today.

Are we working toward a life that will leave our grandsons holding us in high regard or a life that will be less than worthy of their respect?

There are many other important questions to ask, but these two have been the most consistent on my mind.

A mentor told me, "We’ll do twice as much for those we love than we will for ourselves.”

I suppose I won’t know exactly how much my grandfather loves me until I have grandsons of my own, but I speculate I will love them quite a bit.

Assuming that I will one day love them immensely, what am I willing to do for them now? What am I doing today that will bless them? What am I willing to sacrifice now for their benefit down the line?

All questions worthy of pondering on…

I’ve been blessed with a wonderful grandfather and I pray you and I’s grandsons will oneday say the same.

Onward & Upward,

Nolan